(Jazz music begins to quietly play as the camera fades from black and focuses on a dark room where the always beautiful, Sofia Clarke, is shown sitting in a large leather chair. Sofia is wearing a black leather jacket, black top, black pants matched with red pumps.)
SOFIA CLARKE: WELCOME EVERYONE TO REAL TALK! Before I begin, I just want to give a HUGE apology to the REVOLT – um, EAW Universe for real talk’s absence. As many of you know, when two companies merge some people are let go… And I will say I was a person on that list. Although REVOLT – uh, god damn it, EAW is giving me a chance to prove my worth by producing another installment of YOUR favorite show… Real Talk! Now, when I was given this task I knew I had to book someone big. Someone that will for sure get ratings up. Someone who will make such an impact. Everyone, this week we booked… SCOTT DIAMOND!
(Sofia begins to clap as the camera zooms out and shows a landscape view of the setting. Next to Sofia is another leather chair, however, it is empty. Sofia appears concerned as she begins to speak.)
SOFIA CLARKE: Well, uh, my guest isn’t here yet. Not quite sure what happened since I specifically told him 7:00 PM – whoa, I see someone walking in the distance. (Sofia tilts her head to the side.) Mark, get a shot, get a shot!
(The camera frantically shifts its view to the hallway as a black shadow is shown walking towards the set. Seconds later reveal that the man is… Albert Hitchman. The cameras turn back to Sofia who is confused.)
SOFIA CLARKE: Oh, uh, hi Albert?
(Albert shoots Sofia a sarcastic smile as he takes a seat in the empty leather chair.)
SOFIA CLARKE: Albert I’m so glad that you’re here to show Scott emotional support but that chair is typically for the gue–
ALBERT HITCHMAN: I am the guest.
SOFIA CLARKE: What do you mea–
ALBERT HITCHMAN: I. Am. The. Guest.
SOFIA CLARKE: You mean to tell me that Scott Diamond isn’t here?…
ALBERT HITCHMAN: That is correct.
SOFIA CLARKE: So, you’re going to answer for him?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: 2 for 2. Impressive.
SOFIA CLARKE: I’m so confused.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Unlike some people who claim to be too good for this but show up anyway, I’m looking at you Impact… Scott Diamond really is too good for this. So he sent me, Hello Sofia.
SOFIA CLARKE: Alright, alright. If… if that’s how we’re going to do it.
(A look of worry overtakes Sofia’s face as an assistant with a headset walks into frame and places a landline phone on the brown coffee table placed in between the two chairs.)
SOFIA CLARKE: Hey, I uh, I guess these landlines seem familiar, huh?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: What?
SOFIA CLARKE: Not trying to be insulting at all, what? Um, ok, my producer is telling me to kick things off since calls are beginning to pour in. Are you ready to answer on Scott’s behalf?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Ask the questions Sofia.
SOFIA CLARKE: Alright, do you wanna push the button?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: This button? The brown button?
SOFIA CLARKE: That’s the one!
ALBERT HITCHMAN: No.
SOFIA CLARKE: Fair enough… (Sofia pushes the large brown button) CALLER, YOU’RE LIVE WITH SCOTT DIA– ALBERT HITCHMAN! WHAT’S YOUR QUESTION?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: *roll eyes*
Caller: Um, all my questions were geared towards Scott…
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Hang up on him.
SOFIA CLARKE: Just pretend it’s him, please.
Caller; Uh, okay. Why aren’t you here?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Hang up on him.
Caller: Oh yeah? Well, “Scott” are you concerned that Albert Hitchman’s weight puts him at higher risk for heart disease?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Hang up on him.
Caller: OK, “Scott” Do you cry yourself to sleep every night knowing that you still haven’t won a match in REVOLT?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Watch REVOLT 2 you fucking idiot.
SOFIA CLARKE: Umm, ok… NEXT CALLER! YOU’RE LIVE!
Caller: Hey, Albert, can you tell Scott I’m a huge fan?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: I can tell him sure, but don’t think it’s gonna get you anywhere.
Caller: How did the iconic duo of Hitchman and Diamond start?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: I’ve known Scott since he was a child, I go way back with the family. One day he calls me, in about… 2013? Says he needs help, says he needs some career advice. So I advise him, I advise him to shake EAW to its very core. Hence ANTI Scott Diamond, and from there… the rest is history.
Caller: Gotta say, man, I miss seeing you week after week on my TV. Any plans on returning to full-time wrestling?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Nope.
SOFIA CLARKE: NEXT CALLER… YOU’RE LIVE!
Caller: AYE THIS IS MONROE.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: *nods head* Monroe.
MONROE: SCOTT IS LAAAAZY!! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A LAZY PART TIMER??
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Scott Diamond has been in this indus–
MONROE: YA KNOW, ALBERT, YOU KINDA CUTE.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: …
MONROE: YOU WANNA EXCHANGE DIGITS OR NAH?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Hang up on him.
SOFIA CLARKE: OK, next caller! Make it good!
Caller: Hi, this is Harrison and I’m a representative from the Be A Star campaign.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Oh boy.
HARRISON: I see that you and your client like to bully people on TV and that’s definitely not ok. Why were you picking on Jackson Matthews instead of someone your own size?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: A different interpretation. Why did Allen Livingston have to interview Jackson Matthews right then and there? It didn’t have to be him, could’ve been anybody else on the roster, but it had to be him… right then and right there. A case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. To say that Scott Diamond specifically targeted Jackson Matthews because of his size… is false.
HARRISON: But why did he have to attack him? Why couldn’t he just let him be?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Because Scott Diamond doesn’t, “Just let anybody be.” He was upset after a match, he wanted to get rid of all that negative energy… how does Scott Diamond? He transfers it onto others in the form of a physical beatdown. It never became personal with Jackson Matthews until Jackson Matthews made it personal. Wrong place, wrong time… at least for him, that’s all it was.
HARRISON: Jeez, how much does Scott pay you to be all up in this ass all the time?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: A hefty six-figures.
SOFIA CLARKE: OK, we’re going to go ahead and end that. NEXT CALLER! YOU’RE LIVE WITH SOFIA CLARKE AND ALBERT HITCHMAN!
Caller: Hey Albert, hows it going?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: ?
Caller: Uhuh… Albert, my boy.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: :dahell:
Caller: Ayo, Albert.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Yes?
Caller: Does Scott think the Revenant is better than him?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Nope.
Caller: Would Scott ever face the Revenant ever again?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Of course.
SOFIA CLARKE: NEXT!
ALBERT HITCHMAN: No, no… let me say something. Actually… keep going, I have a feeling this topic is gonna come up again later, if it doesn’t I’ll revisit it.
SOFIA CLARKE: OK! Next caller
Caller: Hey quick question.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Go ahead.
Caller: Albert, how would Scotty answer this? How do you feel that you measure up to the rest of your family members including Diamond Cage, Diamond Cutter, and Dustin Diamond?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Diamond Cage is a talentless washout who would’ve gotten absolutely nowhere in this business had he not known how to swing around a few weapons. Who the hell is Dustin Diamond? That guy from Saved by the Bell? Isn’t he in jail? And Diamond Cutter… I’m not gonna say anything because… didn’t… something… happen to him?
SOFIA CLARKE: WELL. With that being said, let’s give Albert a small break as I look through my Twitter feed, shall we? Remember, if you want your tweets to be mentioned send us a message with the #REALTALK and you may be featured!
ALBERT HITCHMAN: I hate Twitter, I really… REALLY hate it. Did you know that Sofia? Did you know I hated Twitter?
SOFIA CLARKE: I DID NOT!
(Sofia is handed an iPad as she begins to scroll through her feed.)
SOFIA CLARKE: Oh! Here’s one. From Twitter user @SmelliaMoxin “Any prior wrestling/MMA experience you’ve got before coming to Revolt/EAW? #RealTalk”
ALBERT HITCHMAN: A fan, lifelong fan, but just a fan.
SOFIA CLARKE: Ok, here’s another! From @SlingShotWang “Any advice you would give to a newcomer trying to make their name in professional wrestling? #REALTALK #MARRYMESOFIA” oh, you’re too sweet!
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Don’t take any advice from anyone in this industry. They either don’t want you to succeed or don’t care enough to give you actual good advice.
SOFIA CLARKE: So shouldn’t he not be taking your advice?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: I’m not in this industry. I represent a man who is, but those are my only ties. Remember, when Scott Diamond needed advice, he didn’t go to anybody in the world of professional wrestling, he came to me.
SOFIA CLARKE: Alright! I think it’s time to go back calls. CALLER, YOU’RE ON!
Caller: This real talk is fucking bullshit.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Okay.
Caller: Because I stayed up until 5 am in the United Kingdom to talk to SCOTT DIAMOND, not his fat uncle.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: 1. No relation. 2. If you choose to stay up for ANYTHING until 5am, that’s on you. And when it’s something involving professional wrestling? That’s not something I want to admit publicly. Also… it’s a weekday. No school? No work? Oh man, I’m talking to a basement dweller aren’t I?
Caller: Why does Scott always have you talk for him? Makes no sense!
ALBERT HITCHMAN: I am better at talking than he is, and he realizes that. Also… why should he, if he doesn’t want to? Scott Diamond is a wrestler, he’s a fighter. He’s not a talker, that’s not why they pay him. He only has me because he needs to have me.
SOFIA CLARKE: Next caller, make it good we’re almost out of time!
Caller: Hey, how does Scott prepare for big matches? And how does he deal with losses?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: There’s no preparation involved. Scott Diamond enters the arena, looks at the match card, goes to the ring, does his job, leaves the ring, leaves the arena and then does it all again the next time he’s called upon. As for how he deals with losses, and here we go… I knew this would come back up. Caller, let me ask you a question… can I assume that you’re a fan of all sports?
Caller: Uh… yeah sure, big fan!
ALBERT HITCHMAN: What is your favorite team, any sport.
Caller: Hmm… probably the Jets.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Try again.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Jesus Christ, are you a fan of any team that’s actually good? How about baseball? You’re from New York right, how about the Yankees?
Caller: OH I love the Yankees!
ALBERT HITCHMAN: There we go. The winningest franchise in all of sports, the Yankees. They lost last night. What did you do? What did they do?
Caller: Uhh… well I mean…
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Nothing, you didn’t do a thing. You might’ve sulked for a minute or two but then you shrugged it off because you know there’s always a tomorrow, there’s always another game and you know that because they’re the Yankees, they’re going to win a lot more than they lose this season. People ask me if Scott Diamond’s loss to Michael Bishop at REVOLT 1 was his most embarrassing loss ever. A match that Scott Diamond didn’t care about? A match with no stakes? Of course it wasn’t. Attacking Jackson Matthews after the fact wasn’t a result of the loss, it was a result of compounding factors that led to that exact moment. Scott Diamond shouldn’t have been facing Michael Bishop in a nothing, throwaway match at REVOLT 1, he should’ve been successfully defending the REVOLT! Heavyweight Championship. So how does Scott Diamond deal with a loss? The same way the New York Yankees deal with a loss in the middle of April. He shrugs it off. ESPECIALLY considering opportunities aren’t given based off of a win-loss record, they’re taken by those who want them the most.
Caller: I see. Well, what does your workout routine consist of? I mean Scott’s, not you of course, not trying to be insulting or anything —
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Six days a week, eight hours a day.
Caller: OK, last one… You think Scott will ever win a title in the future?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: Scott Diamond is one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions. This is the second time now, do you people not watch the product?
SOFIA CLARKE: Well, look at the time! I think it’s time to wrap things up as my producer is beginning to threaten me if I continue to yap!
ALBERT HITCHMAN: You know, you could probably file a harassment suit for that, I’ll give you my card if you want it.
SOFIA CLARKE: … Well, Albert, any last thing you’d like to share with the REVOL– EAW universe? Any new projects?
ALBERT HITCHMAN: My projects are whatever Scott Diamond’s projects are going to be.
SOFIA CLARKE: Alright… This has been Sofia and Albert. Thank you so much for watching and I hope they don’t cancel this show and fire me after this airs out.
ALBERT HITCHMAN: I was serious about that harassment suit.
SOFIA CLARKE: Thanks for the encouraging words… Goodnight and goodbye!
(Sofia smiles as she looks over to an unamused Albert Hitchman. Sofia looks into the camera with a helpless look on her face as Albert sits and smiles. The camera then fades to black.)