Fight Grid
(Jazz music begins to softly play as the cameras fade into a shot of a dark room with two leather chairs and a wooden table in the middle of them. In one of the chairs appears the one, the only, Sofia Clarke. Sofia is wearing a black, skin tight dress, leather jacket and blue pumps.)
SOFIA CLARKE: WELCOME TO THE NEWLY REBOOTED FIGHT GRID EXCLUSIVE… REAL TALK!! First of all, let me begin with giving a HUGE thank you to all of our viewers and guests. We were temporarily suspended for um… Answering some unethical questions live on air. EAW management felt that those questions reflected poorly on the company but after much deliberation and pleading on my part, REAL TALK is back! I also wanted to give a special thank you to a Twitter user that continuously tweeted the @EAWREALTALK account and gave his support. Literally, folks, he tweeted us EVERY DAY begging for the show to come back! @Ronnyboi69, thanks for your support! We couldn’t have done this without ya!
(Sofia smiles and begins to clap as she continue to speak.)
SOFIA CLARKE: And what better way to jump start this brand new season by having our next guest be none other than one of the finalists for the EAW Empire Empress of Elite tournament… That’s right folks, one half of the EAW Empire Tag Team Champions… KASSIDY HEART!!!
(Kassidy Heart, wearing a teal flowy dress enters the frame. She pushes her blonde locks to the side as she smiles towards the camera. Sofia stands as she attempts to greet Kassidy but Kassidy immediately denies her as she scoffs and rolls her eyes. Kassidy then sits on the empty second chair.)
SOFIA CLARKE: Uhm… Welcome, Kassidy!
KASSIDY HEART: The pleasure is literally all yours. Flannery and Kendra are both making me do this.
SOFIA CLARKE: Of course. It’s so great to see you as one of the finalists for the Empress of Elite!
KASSIDY HEART: Oh please, Sofia. You wanted Sienna and I to kill one another so neither of us advanced to the finals. You don’t give a fuck that I am in the finals so stop being a bloated, ugly liar.
SOFIA CLARKE: Huh? Why would you think I’m lying?! I’m an unbiased host of this show…
KASSIDY HEART: BULLSHIT! You are sooooo jealous of Sienna and myself despite the fact that we have done nothing but try and help you in the past. Flannery wanted you to put together the most amazing segment EAW dot com has ever seen, and I gave you a fucking spectacle. I got you Celine Dion in the most inspiring, mesmerizing musical tribute the world has ever seen. Not to mention, the Jaded Hearts both tried to help you numerous times in the past. Remember when we took you to Sephora and pointed out everything wrong with the drug store makeup you are wearing? What is that actual lip color you have on now?
SOFIA CLARKE: Alright, alright! I get it. Let’s move on.
KASSIDY HEART: No one wears Covergirl lipstick anymore, Sofia. Especially not from the shitty Katy Perry collection.
SOFIA CLARKE: ANYWAY. How does it feel potentially getting a shot at the Women’s World Championship?
KASSIDY HEART: Well obviously it feels fucking great because an opportunity like this is literally so overdue for me. It’s a real fucking shame I had to be entered into a tournament in order to get to this point, but whatever.
SOFIA CLARKE: Do you feel nervous? Or are you used to the grind so to speak?
KASSIDY HEART (mocking Sofia): Do you feel nervous? Are you used to the grind? Do you feel like Real Talk is the biggest waste of time ever?! How the fuck did you even get this job, Sofia? Who are you fucking?
SOFIA CLARKE: Wonderful… I almost forgot how much of a treat one half of the Jaded Hearts can be…Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with our show, we typically take calls from the EAW Universe LIVE! Definitely gives more of an interactive experience!
(A heavy set man walks into frame with a landline phone in hand. He fiddles with the connecting wires for a few seconds then hurriedly leaves.)
KASSIDY HEART (looking absolutely horrified): What fresh hell is this???
SOFIA CLARKE (ignoring Kassidy’s look of horror): Thanks, Harley! I know, this is an ancient thing but we’ve found out that it works much better than the old skype system we were using. Can’t be liable if we can’t track the call!
KASSIDY HEART: No one ever said I would have to take phonecalls…
(Sofia pushes numerous buttons as a dial tone is heard. Sofia smiles in excitement as Kassidy stares.)
KASSIDY HEART: Like are you seriously going to let fucking random ass people call in and talk to me?!
SOFIA CLARKE: Oh, come on Kass… you have seen the show before.
KASSIDY HEART: Literally no one important has ever seen this fucking show before.
SOFIA CLARKE: ALRIGHT…
(The phone begins to ring as Sofia wiggles in her chair.)
SOFIA CLARKE: Ready for the first question?!
KASSIDY HEART: Please go fuck yourself.
SOFIA CLARKE: OKAAAAY, YOU’RE ON AIR!
Woman: Hello?
KASSIDY HEART: Goodbye.
Woman: This is Beatrice from hashtagastraeabetter.com.
KASSIDY HEART: Well I can already tell just how trashy this is about to be.
SOFIA CLARKE: Hi, Beatrice!
Beatrice: Kassidy… you little cac.
KASSIDY HEART (ignoring the insult and turning to Sofia): Clearly this is about to further prove the point why the American education system is the absolute worst in the world…
Beatrice: Astraea Jordan has fought long and hard to keep people like you from stealing her spotlight!
KASSIDY HEART (still speaking to Sofia, ignoring the caller): Truly, if your President really did want to make America Great Again, he would focus his wall building efforts on low income areas to keep people like Bianca away from telephones and the general public…
Beatrice: She’s going to absolutely ruin you!
KASSIDY HEART (shaking her head sadly): Because imagine if someone who is like so fucking stupid somehow managed to infiltrate the real world? Like Bianca, please. Just hang up the phone and go get gangbanged. Then give yourself an abortion. I know you can’t buy coathangers with food stamps, but they don’t cost a lot of money. And then go kill yourself.
Beatrice: Excuse you?!
SOFIA CLARKE: OK… Next caller!
Man: Sup, Kass.
KASSIDY HEART: Well you sound like a pedophile.
Man: What do you usually do to keep that long… luscious… sultry… sexy…
SOFIA CLARKE: Get to the point.
Man: hair of yours?
KASSIDY HEART: ……………………………………..
SOFIA CLARKE: Next caller!
Woman: Hi! Kassidy, how does it feel being superior than your counterpart, Sienna Jade?
KASSIDY HEART (looking completely outraged): What fucking planet do you live on? When I have ever acted as if I am superior to Sienna Jade?
Woman: But you beat her? Does that not make you superior than her?
KASSIDY HEART: No, it does not make superior. What it does is prove that I am a great fucking wrestler, capable of beating anyone on any given day – including the best in the world. I have fought to be seen as her equal from day one, and all my victory does is show the world the one thing both Sienna and I have already known. We are both flawless at what we do, the absolute cream of the crop. We have constantly challenged and pushed each other to raise our level and that is why we sit at the top of Elite Answers Wrestling.
SOFIA CLARKE: Next question… you’re live with Sofia Clarke and Kassidy Heart!
KASSIDY HEART: Please don’t be a fucking loser.
Woman: Kassidy!!! Ohmygosh!
KASSIDY HEART: Wait… Sienna?!
SIENNA JADE: YES IT’S ME!
SOFIA CLARKE: How’d you even get through the other calls?!
SIENNA JADE: Oh shut the hell up Slutfia!
KASSIDY HEART: OH MY GOD MY QUEEN! Do you know how fucking amazing it is to hear your voice right now?! I have been forced to listen to the absolute lowest forms of life call in so far and the fact you are listening right now, and calling in, and ohmygooooooooooooooooooooooood. The best fucking partner! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
SIENNA JADE: Kassi-poo, I just wanted to call in to tell you that I love you!!!
KASSIDY HEART: I LOVE YOU MORE ❤️❤️
SIENNA JADE: And you need to beat this untalented whore named Astraea!
SOFIA CLARKE: Now, now, let’s be a bit more ethical ladies…
KASSIDY HEART: Ohmygod right?! I do need to beat her and I need to show all these people who still don’t fucking believe in me exactly what the fuck I’m capable of! Truly, no one deserves to be Empress of Elite more than me except for maybe you my actual queen!
SIENNA JADE: EXACTLY. Kassidy, don’t listen to what these overweight whales calling in talking shit. You know you are the greatest of all time and no one could ever take away what you’ve worked so hard to obtain.
KASSIDY HEART (truly touched and emotional): You seriously have no idea what your love and support means me right now, Sien. The best fucking partner ever!!!
SIENNA JADE: My sweet little Kassidy. I love you, I’ll talk to you later.
KASSIDY HEART: I can’t wait! I love you too!!!
SOFIA CLARKE: Good riddance.
KASSIDY HEART: I will literally slit your throat and bathe in your blood if you ever disrespect Sienna again.
SOFIA CLARKE (nervously): Next caller…
Man: Hey, Kassidy! This is CollardJuan from Twitch! I’m a HUGE fan.
KASSIDY HEART: Okay…
COLLARDJUAN: Kassidy, how are you mentally preparing yourself for potentially facing Stephanie Matsuda at Manifest Destiny AND defending your tag team titles on the same night?
KASSIDY HEART: I mean, I’m not facing Dyke Matusda…
COLLARDJUAN (interrupting): I bring this up because a couple months back, Sienna had this opportunity and no tea no shade… but she came up short. What will you do differently from her to guarantee success? Of course… if you beat Astraea Jordan on Empire next week.
KASSIDY HEART: Huh? What even are you talking about? I’m not facing Astraea on Empire…
SOFIA CLARKE: Thank you so much, Collard! We’re actually going to take a short break to give our break some time to rest…
KASSIDY HEART: How is this not over already?
SOFIA CLARKE: But let’s look at our social media feed! Your tweet can be featured tonight, all you have to do is attach #KassidyHeart #EmpressofElite and #RealTalk to your tweets and maybe I’ll read it off live!
KASSIDY HEART: Ohmygod let’s not!
(Kassidy reaches over for a bottle of water as Sofia is handed a large iPad. Sofia begins scrolling as she stops.)
SOFIA CLARKE: Alright got one tweet! This is from the user @liljbitch and it states, “Hey @RealKassidyHeart and @SofiaClark3206 I’m really enjoying this podcast. Any chance you’ll both do this in bikinis next time? I still respect women tho lol #RealTalk”
KASSIDY HEART: #RealTalk how many girls have filed complaints against you for sexual harassment?
SOFIA CLARKE: Let’s move on to something else… Oh! Here’s one. This is from the user @WongWildWamling “If you could switch bodies with a male elitist who would it be and why? #KassidyHeart #RealTalk”
KASSIDY HEART: Wow what a fucking question. I guess I would have to say Theron Nikolas so I could literally just go fuck myself. Stop hating on REVOLT you douchebag. And also why do you have such pretty eyes?!
SOFIA CLARKE: Well. That was great to hear.
KASSIDY HEART: REVOLT forever.
SOFIA CLARKE: Alright, let’s go on back to our calls… (Sofia pushes on a button) YOU’RE LIVE!
Woman: Kassidy, What do you have to say to Astraea Jordan before your big bout?
KASSIDY HEART: I have nothing to say to Astraea Jordan personally. We both want the same thing and only one of us can have it.
Woman: Are you afraid of losing?
KASSIDY HEART: I’m not Raven Roberts. I’m not going to blow two huge matches at one event. I know for a fact that I’m not going to lose at Manifest Destiny because there is no one else in EAW worthy of being called Empress of Elite. I have waited patiently for my time to come and now that it’s here, I’m not going to waste it. I am the best fucking Elitist in this company right now and I deserve to not only be the Empress, but to be the undisputed women’s world champion.
Woman: You don’t ever fear your cockiness will bite you in the ass in the future?
KASSIDY HEART: Do you ever fear that your lack of intelligence is going to get you murdered and thrown into a creek where no one can ever find you?!
Woman: Hey! I’m just asking the questions.
KASSIDY HEART: Well go cash your welfare checks instead and do something more productive with your time.
SOFIA CLARKE: Ok, one last question and we’re done. You’re live! Make it good!
Man: Kassidy Heart… what are your career goals within EAW?
KASSIDY HEART: I mean I think I’ve shared those aspirations time and time again. I want to accomplish everything there possibly is to accomplish here in Elite Answers Wrestling. I want to be the top female who’s ever graced this company and I want to do things that other women haven’t done before. I want those big matches and those pressure situations. And I want to show everyone that I can rise to the occasion time and time again.
Man: Why should we, the EAW Universe, invest ourselves into you? Why should we cheer and believe in you as fans?
KASSIDY HEART: Quite frankly I don’t care who you idiots invest your time in. If my own general manager can’t see my worth, then I know you people sure as fuck won’t. The only thing that matters is that I believe in myself. I know exactly what to do inside that ring and I don’t falter when the spotlight is on me. I’m going to keep doing what I do every single week, and that’s win matches. I’m going to keep showing the world why Kassidy Heart is the dopest girl in the entire world. And I’m going to do it with a smile on my face and the reassurance that no matter what anyone else says or does, I believe in me.
Man: Good luck, kid. You’re going to need it.
KASSIDY HEART: Not as much as your incest kid will once you knock up your cousin.
SOFIA CLARKE: Alright ladies and gentlemen! That wraps up our first ever edition of…. REAL TALK! Thank you so much, Kassidy, for being our guest tonight.
KASSIDY HEART: Flannery is a bitch. She didn’t give me a choice.
SOFIA CLARKE: Goodnight, everybody!
(Sofia waves as Kassidy is seen taking off her microphone and demanding for a glass of wine. The image then fades to black.)
