(The lights dim. The shot looks like a very sexy scene from a questionable video from a questionable website… but it isn’t. In fact, this is a view of a highly isolated set. The set consists of a wooden floor panel with one luscious arm-chair on the left with a high-end loveseat couch on the right. There’s no noise throughout the entire building. A pin could drop and every single one of them muthafucka’s could hear it. A few seconds have passed and bright lights flash. A beautiful, successful, eccentric, woman emerges. The camera didn’t catch her face, but the image is now focused on her name-brand-worth-more-than-your-house heels, her toned, porcelain legs, her perfect, curvaceous hips, her big, plump breasts… her beautiful German blonde hair…WHOA! Harridan Fueller! Huh? Harridan? Where is Sofia Clarke? – [confused in narrator]
Harridan’s fine ass confidently walks towards the camera with notecards in her hand.)
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Are your eyes fooling you? Is all that toilet paper that you’re hoarding up your ass creeping up to your brain?! No!! Your eyes are not deceiving you, ladies and gentlemen. Harridan Fueller, your most note-worthy past Vixen’s champion is here in the flesh and ready to kick off one of EAW’s and REVOLT’s most popular talk shows… REAL TALK. I know you might be wondering, “hey, where is that homeless woman that goes by the name of Sofia Clarke?!” Well, Sofia just happens to be sick from the coronavirus so they asked ME to come in and pick up her slack. Such a convenient time to catch a “deadly virus” am I right??
(Harridan laughs as she continues to speak.)
HARRIDAN FUELLER: If you’re brain dead and are a Sofia Clarke fan, don’t fret – once she recovers she’ll be back and continue doing her sh*tty job. But for right now, I am your host and I am pretty excited to be here after being trapped in the depths of wrestling-hell for the past couple of years. If you’re not familiar with REAL TALK, here’s how it works: After our lovely guests arrive, we will pull out the infamous Real Talk phone and begin taking calls from YOU, the viewers. Remember, there are NO censors, NO limits on what you can ask. As always, dial 1-800-EAW-REAL to have your voice be heard!
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Tonight we really did hit the jackpot with our first guests. They are two of the most popular wrestlers of today and are your current tag team champions… and two guys I wouldn’t mind run a train on me… Ladies and gentlemen please give a warm welcome to… DRIZZY AND VIZZY!
(Harridan begins to clap as Drake King and The Visual Prophet emerge onto the stage. Both EAW Elitists have their championship gold on display as it lays on their respective shoulders. Both champs have a smile on their face and take a seat on the comfy loveseat.)
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Welcome!… Oh, wait! Don’t sit there! Here’s this Lysol to spray all over the couch.
(Harridan hands over a light blue lysol spray can and hands it over to Drake.)
DRAKE KING: Oh, thanks..?
VISUAL PROPHET: Safety first huh?
DRAKE KING: This is a bit extra if you ask me, but okay. Here Viz.
Drake gives a light spray to his seat as Viz takes the lysol can and douses his area.
VISUAL PROPHET: Germ-B-gone!
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Heh, better safe than sorry! How are you guys doing tonight?
VISUAL PROPHET: Splendid, I think that we-
DRAKE KING: Terrible, I honestly don’t want to be here at all, but unfortunately I was convinced to tag along with Viz.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Oh..
VISUAL PROPHET: …Convinced? Those Unified Tag Belts should be more than enough to remind you that me convincing you to team with me was the best decision you ever made in your entire life. That includes splitting up from Jake and that also includes you adding those pics of Sierra to our exclusive “EAW VIXXXENS” Mega file.
DRAKE KING: STOP LYING!
HARRIDAN FUELLER: How have you guys been protecting yourself from COVID-19? Neither of you are experiencing fever, chills, shortness of breath or sore throat right?! Because if so… let a girl know ASAP.
VISUAL PROPHET: My stamina is infinite. Ask your mother, Harridan…
HARRIDAN FUELLER: That’s not funny.
DRAKE KING: This is what I have to deal with on a weekly basis.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Alright, alright! Enough gross talk… Anyway, Ric! Ric? Bring over the Real Talk hotline!
(A middle aged man emerges with a headset and brings an old landline phone and places it on a wooden table in between Harridan and Drake. The man unwraps the long, tangled wiring and puts the cables in their appropriate ports. )
DRAKE KING: I can’t believe I let Viz drag me into this.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Let me hear that dial tone… Oh, there it is!
VISUAL PROPHET: Don’t mention the word DRAG, Drake. Reminds me of what Malcolm Jones used to do for money when he was fired months ago. Yikes! Let’s get back on topic, ok?
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Good point! Alright, for those of you who are viewing at home… I am JUST getting word that our lines are open! Please, remember if you would like to ask these two guys any questions dial the number 1-800-EAW-TALK.
DRAKE KING: Yeah, what she said.
VISUAL PROPHET: Ask away, darlings!
(There’s a brief silence when suddenly, a ringing tone is heard!)
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Time for our first call guys!
DRAKE KING: This better not be a waste of time.
VISUAL PROPHET: We have not a second to spare. We have to do our Bikram Yoga so we can stay in excellent shape. We don’t need any tag teams getting any ideas that we are just a flash in the pan duo. CALL DRIZZY AND VIZZY GOD DAMN IT!
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Viz, please! Wait… Hello?
HARRIDAN FUELLER: It works! Come on buddy don’t let me down. You are the first official caller on the newly revamped REAL TALK! First, start off with your name and location… then ask away!
MAN: Um, ok.
DRAKE KING: I already hate this.
MAN: My name is Stephen from New Jersey. My first question is actually directed towards the two of ya.
VISUAL PROPHET: JUST THE TWO OF US!
STEPHEN: I just want to start off by saying that I admire the two of ya so much. I wish that at the end of my pro-wrestling career I’m as successful as y’all.
DRAKE KING: Well you’re looking up to the right people. That’s a good start.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Get on with it, Stephen, we don’t have all day.
VISUAL PROPHET: Yeah the clock’s ticking.
STEPHEN: Thanks, Vizzy! I knew you were always my mans. As for my question, yo… why you all such bitches?!
DRAKE KING: !!!
STEPHEN: Answer the question you fame hogging pigs!!!
VISUAL PROPHET: Come say it to Drake’s face!
DRAKE KING: Hang up, go to the next person. Get him outta here.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Oh, look at that! The line was cut. Damn phone towers. Alright, time for the next caller! You’re officially live with Harridan, Drizzy and Vizzy! Ask away!
Woman: Hi! This is Stacy Evans from ProwrestlingLIVE.net.
DRAKE KING: ‘Sup Stacy?
STACY EVANS: Hey Drake… Do you remember me? From that party last weekend?
DRAKE KING: Uh…. No..?
VISUAL PROPHET: Oh this shit good now.
STACY EVANS: Right! Right… just … just return my texts, ok? I still have your scent on my sweater…
DRAKE KING: What texts- Okay can we just move on? I thought we were asking questions about our wrestling careers here?
HARRIDAN FUELLER: KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, STACY… Your question?
STACY EVANS: After the victory and becoming the new tag champs how did you celebrate after the show?
VISUAL PROPHET: Bubble bath with candle lights. A bottle of red wine, a bowl of grapes, and the sounds of SWV’s “Can We” played so loudly that the bass shook the entire hotel. My belt and my crown were all I wore as I air dried and then marinated in a gallon of baby oil as-
DRAKE KING: HEY! Let’s not get any more details, ok? We don’t need the kids hearing about that nonsense.
VISUAL PROPHET: Ok, sourpuss. Then Drake and I hit the nearest DISCOTHÈQUE and got our dicks danced on by some exotic women.
DRAKE KING: In other words Viz did Viz things and dragged me along with him. Next!
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Alright.. Next caller! You are LIVE!
Woman: Hi, my name is Jannea and I am a huge fan of Vizzy!!!
VISUAL PROPHET: I bet you can’t believe that you are talking to me, huh?
JANNEA: 😍I can’t believe I’m talking to you right now ohmygosh!!!
VISUAL PROPHET: …prophet…
DRAKE KING: I’m here too..
JANNEA: You’re okay, I guess.
VISUAL PROPHET: Ah don’t hassle the lad. He gets jealous of people showing me love. I think Drake just wants Bae all to himself sometimes.
DRAKE KING: Not a single fiber of me exists that would make what you said true be true.
JANNEA: Oh Vizzy! My question starts with you; I know you’re a smart SEXY man, just tell me, when are you going to stab a knife into Drake’s back and take his title?
DRAKE KING: Excuse me?
VISUAL PROPHET: I don’t think you have listened to anything I’ve said these past weeks. I’m not stabbing Drake in the back. We are tag team partners, we defeated Heavenly Hell and we shall reign supreme until the world ends. The best tag team of all time resides on Dynasty and one half is the World Heavyweight Champion and the other is King of Elite. How dare you infer we will split? I am offended! As long as Drake and I are friends, as long as we are tag team champions, and as long as we have trust…I WILL NOT CASH IN ON HIM! Tell Showdown and Voltage Viewy P is watching their champs closely…
JANNEA: I don’t mean to offend or create any tension between the two of you! Fine, let me move on to my final question towards Drake… Hey Drake, this is about your world title. Is there anyone of interest that you’d be interested in defending your title against? Also, how does it feel that you’re still Xander Payne’s bitch?
DRAKE KING: Anyone of interest? Alright everyone on Dynasty sucks, so I’ll say… Raven Roberts. She was the reason I lost my first two Championship matches in EAW. I know for a fact I’m better than her now, but she isn’t the worst wrestler ever either so I think it’d be pretty fun getting a little taste of payback two years later. Also, Xander Payne’s WHAT?? Xander wishes he could be in the same stratosphere as me.
JANNEA: Righto! Vizzy, check your DM’s baby!!!
VISUAL PROPHET: I get tired of surfing through the dick and titty pics but ok.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: NEXT CALLER… YOU’RE UP!
Man: Hi! My name is Ryan Velvet from Kayfabeaintdead.org. I have a lot of questions as I will be writing an article about this awesome podcast so please bear with me!
DRAKE KING: Jesus Christ..
RYAN VELVET: Don’t worry, I’ll send the link on my Twitter @RyanVelvet once I’m done!
HARRIDAN FUELLER: You are just full of plugs aren’t ya.
VISUAL PROPHET: Get your advertising off, darling! Gotta pay the bills first.
RYAN VELVET: My first of two questions will be for the both of you as individual competitors. First, who have been your toughest opponents to date, and if you could have a ‘do over’ against any person who pushed you to your limit or beat, who would it be?
VISUAL PROPHET: Toughest? Hmm…The Adams-Heart duo easily. I will get revenge on them both one day. Especially that little minx, that blonde hair, vibrant, thick ass, sexual Fox…Ryan . But, above all else, I’d love to bring back Noah Reigner and drop that Skelton built bitch on his head twelve or more times.
DRAKE KING: Just because of the last caller, Xander Payne. I don’t know what people are on nowadays, but I’m not about to let the world sit here and try and put me on the same level as Xander Payne because of a loss from 2018.
RYAN VELVET: Fabulous! Secondly, to the both of you as tag teams; Fire and Ice have already made their intentions known for Grand Rampage. Rex will be one of the favorites to win the match itself, while Raven wants an opportunity to become a two-time Universal Women’s Champion. When do you think the four of you will finally end up clashing for those belts?
DRAKE KING: Truth be told: don’t know, don’t care. This is how I see things. Rex isn’t winning the Grand Rampage, Raven isn’t reclaiming the Universal Women’s Championship, and if Fire & Ice ever decides to challenge the two of us using the title shot they’ve earned, they’re just going to end up facing even more disappointment. I’m sure Rex is used to being disappointed seeing how his 2019 went though, so he’ll be fine.
VISUAL PROPHET: Anytime. Any place. I don’t care who is around. Mmm. I’ve beaten both by myself, me and Drake together would just be overkill to be fair. But, we are fighting champions and our chemistry outweighs that Divorce Court diva duo and their Game of Thrones book borrowed name.
RYAN VELVET: Fantastic pointers, guys. Now, Drake, tell me; Very few people have been able to call themselves a double champion here in EAW, what does that mean to you? To follow it up, how does it feel to have accomplished the Triple Crown this quickly?
DRAKE KING: To be honest.. All I can really say is, shout out to everyone that said I’d amount to nothing. Shout out to Malcolm Jones who said I was destined for 24/7 battle royales and being in the shadow of Xander Payne and… Myles . Last but not least, shout out to myself for being the best wrestler in this company and carrying on with my goals despite all the verbal abuse I have to take on a daily basis. Anything else?
RYAN VELVET: Yes, now my final question towards the man himself; Viz, we all know that you have the King of Elite crown, which gives you a shot at any world championship you could possibly want. What does each championship mean to you and how could you elevate it?
VISUAL PROPHET: They all are the same, it’s more so about what brand would need my influence the most? I’ve been lucky in some eyes to be a member of all three EAW brands, I even performed on Empire before it was shut down. I have been a titular force no matter where I was placed. I have beaten the best and have been beaten by the best so regardless where I am, I stay in prominence. With that said, being the world champ on Voltage would fuel nostalgia for the time I reigned as New Breed champion. Except it would be even higher stakes than that. Likewise, going to Showdown and being champion would vindicate me for my failing to capture the belt at Territorial Invasion previously. Then there is Dynasty where-
DRAKE KING: *COUGH COUGH*
VISUAL PROPHET: Oh yeah, me and Drake are on Dynasty and Drake is the only World Champion safe!
RYAN VELVET: Thanks so much, guys. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND ONLYFANS! @RYANVELVET!
DRAKE KING: Oh my God, please get this guy out of here.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Next caller, don’t let me down! You’re live!
Man: Hi this is Kurt from Seattle… No, don’t make that Nirvana joke, please.
VISUAL PROPHET: *sniffs* Smells like mean spirit.
DRAKE KING: You asked for it dude.
KURT: Thanks for having me regardless. My first question is towards Drake, what’s your favorite thing about teaming with Viz? Viz, same question goes to you about Drake. And to the both of y’all, where do you see yourselves at the end of 2020?
DRAKE KING: My favorite thing?… Viz doesn’t suck. I had the Round Table by my side a year ago this same month, and we didn’t find much success other than the Interwire Championship. Obviously I completely put the blame on Jax Walker, Josh Nicholls, and Jake Smith for being terrible stable-mates, because now look! Me and Viz had five tag team matches, and on our first attempt we became Champions. At the end of 2020, I see myself exactly where I am now, because I don’t plan to lose either the World Heavyweight Championship or the Unified Tag Team Championships anytime soon.
VISUAL PROPHET: He has long hair like a pony.
DRAKE KING: Is that it?
VISUAL PROPHET: Um. I joined EAW in 2018, near the end of the year. I had several goals for myself. One was being able to join forces with someone and create something special. Drake and King The Visual Prophet happened and nothing has been more right. We go together like peanut butter and jelly or Bernie Sanders and Socialism. We work well like Dr. Miami and Chris Elite’s fake hairline. He got that Bron Bron, you can’t fool us, nigga!
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Whoa, so many loaded questions! Let’s give our guests a break while we check our Twitter feed for any good questions! As always, if you have a question you can also message us by tweeting with the hashtag (#REALTALKLIVE) We will be RIGHT back after a message from our sponsors!
(Commercial break: Stay home or you’ll get a class c misdemeanor. Thank you.)
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Welcome back everyone to REAL TALK REVAMPED! We were scrolling through our feed and found some great questions that we just HAD to include in our show.
(A tweet emerges on the screen)
DRAKE KING: How many more of these do we have to do? Anyways, Viz is weird I know. I probably know more than anyone, which is pretty unfortunate. This is all business though. I’ll deal with Viz’s weirdness, because his talent makes up for it.
VISUAL PROPHET: I’m not weird, I’m The Visual Prophet. King The Visual Prophet. UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPION KING THE VISUAL PROPHET SECOND OF HIS NAME!
(Another tweet emerges as Harridan reads it off:)
VISUAL PROPHET: What say you, Drizzy?
DRAKE KING: I don’t have parental controls…
(Another tweet is displayed.)
DRAKE KING: Sierra, obviously. I don’t even need to explain. Also, why was Sarah even an option there? Harridan, please can we just finish this already? I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can really take.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Okay, calm down! One more tweet will be randomly chosen then we will move on to the calls…
(This tweet is then displayed on the screen)
VISUAL PROPHET: Give us SASS. Those two broads are a little to big for their britches and bitches that are to big for their britches will end up getting stitches. Yessir.
(Drake side eyes Viz to an awkward silence before he begins talking again)
DRAKE KING: …Thank God someone asked a normal question. Honestly, I don’t think I have a specific team I’d like to face, so I’ll just say, give me the best. There’s a lot of teams that have been hyped up in the past, or even in recent times. I say just put any of those teams in front of us, because in the end the result will be the same.
HARRIDAN FULLER: Everyone, the lines are back open and we are able to take your calls.. Caller… you are LIVE!
DRAKE KING: Ugh.
CALLER: Hi, I’m not going to give my name or location. I’m just gonna cut straight to the point; Drake can you really trust Viz knowing he can cash in at any given minute? Look at him! He just reeks of betrayal!!!
DRAKE KING: Who do you people think you are? Yes I can trust Viz. Why would I team up with someone I can’t trust? We just won the Tag Team Championships together, I’m not worried about a thing concerning Viz, trust, or anything like that right now.
VISUAL PROPHET: What more proof do we need? Matching tattoos? Drake already shot down that idea. Matching wrestling attires? I think that can convince some set of fans but not all. How about we just sign a fucking peace treaty? Live on Friday Night Dynasty! I said I will not cash in on Drake King because we are best friends! He has my back and I have his and we will not hurt each other no matter what. No man or woman is splitting up us! That’s that!
CALLER: OK! Just think of me when he is taking that knife right out of your back!
DRAKE KING: I can guarantee I won’t be thinking of you.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Um… next caller??
WOMAN: Hello. This message is for VP. How will you avoid becoming the latest “next up” award winner to become a disappointment?
VISUAL PROPHET: Do I need to entertain this fat ass Mark’s question?
WOMAN: Just answer my question.
DRAKE KING: A bit pushy I see.
VISUAL PROPHET: Whatever. Look, you can look at the list of Next Uo winners and see a pattern of people that folded. Same way you can look at every King of Elite winner besides myself and see the inconsistency in their careers. I’ve been without a doubt the most captivating member of this company since DAY ONE! Even my biggest enemies pay homage to my progress. I’m already bigger then that award and we are only three months into this year. This comes from the mouth of a guy that broke into this company thanks to that bitch Veena Adams giving me a bit of help. Now look at me? Top draw, most loved, merch selling like crack cocaine, reigning King of Elite, and I’m unified tag team champ. My run already has been a bigger blockbuster then that BUST of a prospect SOSA Henderson’s and everybody thinks he was going to end up better than me. The tables have turned.
DRAKE KING: You definitely are better than SOSA.
VISUAL PROPHET: First they hate you, then they love you, then they hate to love you. If you think I’m going to fall off then you need to open your eyes cause you blinded by the glow, baby.
WOMAN: Do you two really think you will go down as the best tag team??
DRAKE KING: We already are the best tag team of all time, so yes. It’s already impossible to get any better than this.
VISUAL PROPHET: FAX! BEST TAG TEAM ALIVE! ASK YOUR MOTHER!
WOMAN: Whatever. Bye.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Hoooormonal much! Ok… This will be the LAST call we will take for the evening as we are running out of time! Please caller… make it good!
Man: Hey, this is Mike from EAW08.webs.com. It’s just a fansite on ALL things EAW.
DRAKE KING: Sounds like someone has no life. Nice to meet you Mike.
VISUAL PROPHET: What’s the quest, sweetheart?
MIKE: Ditto! Now, for the final question to wrap up this already great show… If you could go back and face a past tag team, who would it be and why?
DRAKE KING: Oh my God why is everyone asking the same question? Do I have to pick one? I mean, if I had to choose one I wouldn’t need to go very far back in time. Give me the “best tag team of the past decade”, the Jaded Hearts. That was almost nauseating to say, but if I want to prove Drizzy & Vizzy is the best tag team ever, that’s a pretty easy place to start.
VISUAL PROPHET: I promise you, Drizzy and Vizzy would turn those Liquid Swordz into a puddle of nothing. The Jaded Hearts would get pawned off if they came this way. And Zander Pain and MILES can’t lace our boots and that’s the bottom line cuz Viewy P spoke it out loud!
MIKE: Crazy. Now that’s something that I would pay a lot of money to watch. Hey, hey Ryan Adams!! You watching?? Make it happen bucko!!!!
VISUAL PROPHET: He still owes me that PF Chang’s luncheon.
DRAKE KING: Alright, you can hang up now.
HARRIDAN FUELLER: And that my friends is going to wrap up this amazing show that I single handedly produced!!! Any final words??
VISUAL PROPHET: Hm…No.
DRAKE KING: Thank God this is over, I never want to do one of these again. Also uh, see us on Dynasty I guess. Best team ever, best wrestler ever, bye.
VISUAL PROPHET: On second thought, yes. Shout out to the grocery store workers, medical community, and hugs and kisses to the men and women not wearing condoms while they are having quarantine sex! Population control is real and we will overcome it! Third eye open, my brothas and sistas!
HARRIDAN FUELLER: Amazeeeballs!! Thank you for watching!
(Screen then fades to black.)