Anna C. Flowers
So, last night, the EAW year end award winners were announced at The Palace, and us contributors here at Fight Grid could not be more proud of every man and woman who walked away with a trophy. It’s fair to say that life as a superstar in Elite Answers Wrestling is not easy, but it’s rewarding, and all that hard work came full circle last night with an incredible show in London. As we close out 2018 and look forward to 2019, we here at Fight Grid managed to uncover some awards that MUST have gotten lost in the shuffle. Of course, we understand that not everything could make the final cut at The Palace, but that’s why we decided to work tirelessly on our holiday to give even more EAW Elitists the props they deserve.
Without further ado… drumroll please!!!
Best Beard: Charlie Marr
Why: Isn’t it obvious?! The dreamy, handsome, blue-eyed Voltage star is a favorite among the ladies who have absolutely no sense of self-worth. They stan his questionable views, brash attitude, and most importantly his beard because apparently that’s what makes the man. Who better to win this award than Charlie Marr?!
Cutest Couple That Never Was: Rex McAllister and Raven Roberts
Why: Ugh so seriously, who didn’t love Fire and Ice?! Not gunna lie, they were by far the hottest and most determined team to ever enter the Grand Prix and not gunna lie, we were all low key hoping they would make the finals, win the whole thing, and then seal their victory with the kiss heard ‘round the world. Opposites attract and we already know Rex keeps questionable company. Him falling in love with the flawless Bird of Prey is not unrealistic. And Raven could definitely use a paragon of virtue like Rex in her life. They are the PERFECT balance for one another :).
Feminist of the Year: Mr. DEDEDE
Why: No other Elitist this year has done as much for women’s rights as Mr. DEDEDE. His work has inspired greats like Cameron Ella Ava to reach heights they’ve never before attained. His deal with FOX has brought Empire back to the height of its popularity, and no doubt #FOXCares will become the most searched hashtag of 2019 in terms of EAW. Mr. DEDEDE is the be all and end all when it comes to women’s wrestling and he’s a damn good husband too. Who will ever forget his beautiful wedding to Carmen Ava? Swoon! What a guy.
Best Bromance: Broah
Why: Okay so maybe people just enjoy the combination of Fan Fic and Henny, but Big Bhris Elite and Noah Reigner are the two people the EAW Universe love to cheer for. The single segment they had on Showdown earlier in the year struck a chord with people and their Internet popularity just exploded. Hopefully when the next Grand Prix rolls around, Broah pulls the trigger and gives the people what they want, and that’s Elite and Reigner together. Forever. <3
The Fountain of Youth Award: Cleopatra
Why: The best looking GILF you’re ever to meet. Cleopatra seems to have found the secret to never aging, and has as much to offer in the ring in 2019 as she did in 1919. How long can she ride the wave of rejuvenation, though? Will her return inspire other Vixens of the past to take up a diet of virgin blood and try to recapture their past glory? If so, where will they find a supply of blood after Constance Blevins and Clara Lovelace are gone?
Best Body: Xander Payne
Why: Have you ever seen a 255-pound man as well defined and big as Xander Payne? Honestly, the EAW Universe seems to think that Xander Payne is the most relatable looking human being on a roster full of supermodels and professional athletes. The common man looks at Xander and thinks to himself ‘if he can call himself 255-pounds and a former New Breed God, then so can I.’ And that is inspirational. That gives the People of Walmart hope. All Hail Xander Payne.
Romance of the Year: Ahren Fournier and Himself
Why: Has there ever been a superstar who thinks as highly of himself as the GOAT? There’s never been a mirror Ahren Fournier hasn’t loved because what he sees reflected back at him is the physical embodiment of perfection. Style, class, talent, and everything else in between, the former male model turned professional wrestler has managed to capture the attention of people and cameras everywhere. 2019 will not doubt bring us more of Ahren Fournier than ever before, and bank on Ahren himself being the first person to tell us about it!
Miss Congeniality: Tyler Wolfe
Why: Tyler, like most people, has layers, like an onion. Also like an onion, if you try to peel her layers away you’re more likely than not to end up in tears. Tyler Wolfe may be angry, prone to violent outbursts, and most likely covered in both her and her opponent’s blood, but… wait, what was this award again?
Businessman of the Year: TLA
Why: TLA is the definition of hustle. He has opened Poon Palace branches all across the globe, and with the dawn of the New Year who are we to doubt his goal of Poon on the Moon?
Most Likely To Have Bodies Buried Under The Front Porch: Daryl Kinkade
Why: It’s always the nice ones you have to look out for, and after Road to Redemption, Daryl Kinkade is someone to look out for. The way he completely snapped on Charlie Marr was nothing short of terrifying, and goodness! We all saw what he managed to do in the chamber. Kinky Kinkade had absolutely no problems getting his hands dirty and using weapons, not to mention the amount of abuse he took in the match was absurd. The fact he could endure the physical abuse and emotional turmoil of the chamber and walk away under his own power makes us extremely weary of Daryl. Here’s hoping Charlie can get back on his good side and not end up buried in Daryl’s concrete basement.
Destined to Invest Heavily in Lotto and Casino Futures: Jack Ripley
Why: Well, Jack Ripley is fired so honestly, what other choice does he have? With his EAW future pretty non-existent, it’s probably time for Ripley to return to Las Vegas, embrace his roots and family business, and embark on his next business venture. Adios, Straight Shoota. We will miss you.
Life of the Party: APOCALYPSE
Why: Ain’t no party like an End of the World party, everyone knows that! Everyone also knows that it’s not actually a party until someone has committed massive structural damage, and there is no one in EAW better at that then APOCALYPSE. He’s a man whose actual name is spoken in bold. Another added benefit of the Monster of Men being at the party, he can single handedly move the keg for you wherever you need it.
Most Likely To Become A Superhero: Clara Lovelace
Why: If you thought the sky was the limit for the 8 Bit Princess you’re dead wrong, because she’s got the cheat codes to kick things into that extra gear when she needs it! Clara has hit the jackpot of every girl and guy still living in their mother’s basement, winning a reality show contract that lets her travel the world, play video games, and be a professional wrestler. She is basically already a superhero, she just needs the cape!
Best Tan: Jackson Blayde
Why: Who else has managed to turn their skin into the color and texture of a football? Blayde seems to think ‘Melanoma’ is a stripper he forgot to tip on his never ending journey to turn his skin into leather.
Should Not Work With or Near Electricity: Remi Skyfire
Why: Having spent the last two months of 2018 in hospital after electrocuting herself at Bloodletter, the former Specialists champion should probably not be considering a side career as electrician anytime in the future. 2019 is wide open for Remi Skyfire, provided she can avoid any power boxes!
And that’s it guys! Apparently there are no actual trophies for these awards, but oh well. We will be mailing a certificate to every Elitist on this list.
We thank you all for supporting EAW and for supporting our efforts here on Fight Grid. All of us promise to be back stronger and better in 2019, and provide more content than ever before. Have a safe and happy new year. The EAW Universe is the best universe.
